How most parents react after a 'traumatic' event

Learning how to walk is a process in which 'pain' in inevitable. No matter how hard we try to prevent it, we will fall. Some even argue that falling is a necessary element to learn. Most of the times the pain will be limited to an unpleasant sensation. Sometimes the physical pain will be strong and reason to cry out loud and long.

Based on some very common reactions of parents I will try to explain, how these reactions fulfill most of the needs that to me are key factors in explain why unpleasant events lead to desirable or undesirable thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

Connection

When parents see their child is in pain, they often go to their child or open their arms to welcome the child to come to them. The attention we give to someone in pain, shows them they are not alone. For victims of a unpleasant and/or traumatic events the feeling that they are connected and that they belong is very important.

Recognition

The first words spoken are often: "Does it hurt?" or "That looks very painful." This allows the victim to talk about their pain. Talking offers the possibility to both acknowledge their own pain AND get recognition from others. Sometimes the recognition is done in the form of a kiss on the painful spot or a plaster. Whereas the plaster may not be physically necessary, it does send out the message, that the pain is taken seriously. With adults you may need to find other forms to give recognition. Getting recognition is also a way to feel the connection.

Physical Relaxation and Health

Unpleasant and traumatic events produce several hormones, that make us feel 'stressed'. Often we pick up a child, hold it close to us and allow it to relax. Depending on the type of event and the way someone reacts, we can offer different types of support to help them relax. A method that the body often offers automatically is 'shaking'. It helps the levels of for instance adrenaline to go down to normal levels.

Safety and trust

Once the child has gotten 'enough' recognition and was allowed to relax sufficiently, most parents offer support to regain enough trust to start trying again. Sometimes they say things like: "I know that this time you will do it perfectly." Or they will hold the hand of the child long enough before they will let it walk without their (physical) support again. As supporter it may sometimes take creativity to find ways to raise the level of safety and trust, especially after a strong or long lasting series of events. Recogntion of fear is often the first step. 

Meaning and (Higher) Purpose

Whereas the fear for pain is often the reason not to do something, we also have reasons to do something. Children have strong urge to walk. It helps them to discover a bigger world. It makes them feel more independent. It makes them feel they belong to all these other humans who 'walk'. Connecting to a (higher) purpose, often makes it easier to restart after a unpleasant or traumatic events.